The Schwarz will always be with you

There’s my keeper about to take a corner in PES5 on PC. I’m 0-1 down to Spurs and it’s stoppage time. Why not load the box and hoist one over and see what happens?

I think it was way back in PES4 when I started sending my keeper up to take late, late corners (and sometimes late, late throw-ins), when it was obviously the last action of the game and the final whistle would surely blow the next time the AI cleared the ball towards halfway.

Nothing happened here. The AI cleared the ball and the final whistle blew even as my keeper was performing the mad scurry back to his goal-line that we all find so entertaining, in game and in reality.

I’m still playing PES5 on PC. At the moment I’m not thinking about touching base with the other games I was going to touch base with. I mean the likes of PES2011 and PES2013, both beautifully patched on PC.

No, the little game from 2005 is going great guns here in the middle of 2017.

It is too fast by recent standards, and the Master League environment is missing many features we have come to expect.

But, the gameplay. The fouls. The player individuality. The latter two are pretty much 90% of what makes the first. I’ll say it now. You cannot have a ‘true’ PES game without fouls and player individuality. You can have ‘cover version’ versions, which is pretty much what we’ve had for several years now. But PES5 represents the original awesome sauce. Accept no imitations.

My Schwarz is only 18 years old, a Youth yet to reach his peak. He has a clumsy first touch that concedes possession all match long, but he still has the familiar howitzer of a shot on both feet.

Here’s a short highlights reel featuring all 4 of my goals in a recent 4-1 win. A Schwarz hat-trick is the highlight. The one where speedy Kalou races away on the wing to put in the cross shows how stats mattered in the old games.


Updated: 18th July 2017 — 14:52


  1. n-G – PES 5 looks good on PC. I’ve had the odd game on PS2 but, as said before, it looks awful on modern TVs. I might one day sort myself out with a PC for gaming but it’s just not convenient right now.

    In fact even PS4 gaming is becoming less and less convenient what with other commitments. Is this what they mean by life beginning at 40? It must be because life is certainly getting in the way of a lot of the stuff I used to enjoy in my twenties and thirties. Anyway, that’s all a bit heavy.

    I like the 1987 style Coventry kit by the way.

  2. pes 5 was 2005, I think. Great post anyway, I love it when you play pes 5.

  3. Tom – corrected, thank you. I’ve had two points docked from my PES5 Superfan score accordingly…

    Shed – I think pretty much any PC you might have laying around would play PES5 on it. Even the ones with integrated graphics (i.e. all the bog-standard Windows laptops that have appeared in recent years for £200-ish at Argos etc.).

    I still haven’t played Last Guardian on PS4 – or anything else at all on PS4, since MGS5 some 18 months ago. That says it all really. As one who’s nearer to 50 than 40, I can testify that gaming life ends at 40.

  4. Quality stuff NG. I especially like the Kalou segment and subsequent Schwarz volley. So very pes that.
    I’m still playing 2017 btw… Just one or two matches per week but still playing it.

  5. NG – Is that your home stadium? Riazor if im not mistaken , brings back a lot of mems.

    My gaming lifes up next year then.

  6. I see there’s some kind of PES 2018 beta thingy being released on the the interweb via PS4 and Xbox this week. Anyone going to try it?

  7. Shed – I know about the Beta and am not planning to try it. It’s online-only. Which means the game on offer – an online arcade game with a vaguely football theme to it – isn’t the game I’ll be playing in September. It is the same with this Beta as with the summertime preview season: the game being played isn’t the game.

    Having said that I hope and expect you and others to try it at least and report back. If only for the comedy of seeing you all venture online to play Bayern Madrid vs Real Barca against kids.

    werd – that is indeed my Home stadium.

    #1 – Kalou has pace, the only one of my players who does.

  8. Easy mistake to make. I always get confused around the time they ditched the numbered entries and changed it to the FIFA style years.

    I can’t play PES 5 on my PC now as my anti virus somehow recognises the game’s settings .exe as a virus. Before that I had an amazing 50 season master league with the mighty Lokomotiv Moscow (check out Pireniv or Pimenov if you’ve the correct names installed BTW, bona fide PES 5 legend for me).

    I still have my old fat PS2 hooked up but it’s hard to look at now when I’ve had it in crystal clear widescreen on PC.

    What I would really love is for Konami to release a ‘PES 5 HD’ on PS4. Just a pipe dream of course, but oh, can you imagine.

  9. NG – great stuff and your post felt very similar to your early posts on here.

    Shed – that is exactly how I feel as I just play the odd bit of Skyrim or Minecraft here and there, but the little one spends more time on the PS4 than me.

  10. Tom – Can you not whitelist it in your antivirus?

  11. NG – are you getting PES 2018 through Shopto? if so I heard you have to sign for packages?

  12. werd – I’ve switched to SimplyGames this year. I’ve only heard good things about them on the forums – not just cheaper than anywhere else, but they do a proper old-school dispatch of the game as soon as they get stock, which is on the Tuesday of release week, for delivery on the Wednesday in most cases. ShopTo and others sit on their stock until the Wednesday for delivery Thursday. I’ve no complaints at all about ShopTo and am jittery about making this switch. We shall see.

    I can tell you though that ShopTo is just a regular posted-through-the-letterbox delivery. You only sign-for if you choose Express delivery, which isn’t necessary. First Class delivers next day in 99.9% of cases (apart from that time Paul’s copy ended up in Tasmania and he went into a white-hot strop).

    My fingers are crossed for SimplyGames. ShopTo are established and reliable IMO and you won’t go wrong there.

  13. Tom – or, if you don’t want to fiddle with whitelists, just disable your AV temporarily and disconnect from the Internet. Right-clicking two system tray icons and picking the relevant menu options will do the job in most cases. At end of session, reverse the process.

  14. NG – Many thanks I will look into it. I have booked Fri after release and the following mon – weds. I f it comes early I can make a dent in the editing.

  15. I’ve tried all sorts incl. white list. Sometimes the game runs but when it does it always crashes as soon as I get into a match.

  16. Tom — right-click the shortcut and choose Run As Administrator. A Windows update might have fiddled with the privileges. If the game works, next time you’re back on the desktop right click the shortcut again, choose Properties and select Always Run as Administrator.

  17. Tried re-installing and running as admin. no luck I’m afraid. Sad times.

  18. Bizarre find of the day – I googled Kevin Stewart after seeing Liverpool were selling him to hull for 7.5m as I’d never even heard of him and for so much cash. I found a Yorkshire post article discussing hull’s new man and after the usual stuff about starting at Spurs, his appearances (or lack thereof) it had a line saying ‘FIFA 17 rating is 71’. You what? His rating in a random football game is relevant how? Why not his rating in football manager or pes, or maybe just restrict your information to actual real things! Are they getting a bung from EA? The lines are getting more blurred by the day, at this rate I’ll be sacked for running around with a gun or attacking a mammoth with a spear.

    Is it me or is this a thin time for decent new games? Cex voucher still burning a hole but going to wait as I can’t find a thing.

  19. Uncle Turf – FIFA is the new normal and has been for some time. It’s a stunning truth that most 14-24 year olds either haven’t heard of PES at all, or automatically disdain it.

    Mid-summer is the slowest time for new games. If you’ve never sampled the joys of Dark Souls and Soulslike games there’s always Bloodborne, which I saw just yesterday is still £23 pre-owned in my local CeX. A good sign when a game that old keeps its value. And there’s the rest of the PS4’s rich back catalogue.

    Or you could download the PES2018 multiplayer Beta and give your right forefinger a pre-PES2018 demo workout against the kids online.

    I was thinking today about how much I hate online football games in general, and online PES in particular, and it’s probably the only thing in the world that I do hate. I don’t even hate things like cancer and suffering and injustice, as these are natural by-products of natural forces. Online football multiplayer games are pieces of shit so unbelievable that I struggle to comprehend the enormity of my hatred for them. The fact that PES is now solidly part of that continuum of shit almost makes me dizzy.

  20. Blimey n-G, I knew you hated online footy games but I didn’t know you REALLY hated them. I’ll happily be struck down with a bout of online PES than cancer, for example. Likewise, I wouldn’t be concerned at all to hear that any of my family or friends were playing Master League online. You weren’t even this ruthless about spam!

    I hate quite a few things life throws up at you – natural forces or not – but online footy gaming doesn’t even register. Neither does Love Island. I just choose not to play/watch.

    Today though, I will have a go on this PES 2018 online Beta thing – just to have an early feel of the game. Yes, I’ll probably be paired with a sprint-clamping yoof but I’ll still get to pass around a bit and have a shot or two. I’ll also be seeing if the slide-tackle is back in full force this year. I’ll report back later for all those not risking a foray to the dark side.

    I won’t be watching Love Island though.

  21. Shed — I wasn’t being flippant, those nasty things I mentioned are all inherent features of our physical reality. Hating cancer et al (i.e. harbouring intense emotional feelings that they are blameworthy for their own existence in some way) is pointless, like hating the wind, or the colour red, or 2+2=4. It’s a misplacement of hatred, to hate our natural nasties. Lost a close family member to cancer in the past year, and I’m claiming the moral right to put cancer in its proper place.

    Online football gaming, on the other hand, is something that somebody sat down and designed, that they thought was a good idea, and that many people still think is a good idea, and it’s not.

    I am not saying ‘online football gaming is worse than cancer lol’ in any kind of would-be-edgy way. They’re different orders of reality and aren’t suspectible to the same categories of judgement. That was my point. Cancer is a horror, but it is not a hate-worthy horror. We can’t and shouldn’t say we hate the unpleasant neutral phenomena we’re surrounded by all the time.

    Online football gaming, though, is very much in the hateworthy camp, and I hate it. Despise it. To hell with it.

    Looking forward to hearing your impressions, though…

  22. n-G – I get you. I just felt like I might as well be the one to go there with PES online vs cancer thing. I hate having had to deal with cancer and death in my family recently but, as you say, it’s an inevitability for us all – the latter certainly.

    Anyway, back to the option that is PES online. It seems the option is not quite there to take for those of us who dare as the servers are off line. You don’t get that with a nice, old fashioned ML session. I might try and have another go to hang out with the sprint kidz at lunchtime.

  23. Shed – stomach and bowel cancer is a big killer in my family tree, and the way that kills its victims might be the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen. Modern medicine can artificially prolong the agony of cancer way past the natural end. But in thinking about the horrors I’ve witnessed, I never quite hate the disease itself. That was my admittedly rather large point (for a football game themed blog). Hatred for me is reserved for concrete instances of human-decision-related things – I hate the gangs of ‘youths’ that I occasionally encounter who shout garbled incoherent challenges at me across the street (and I’m a bald middle-aged white bloke minding my own business; young black and Asian lads must really run the gauntlet at times). I hate the way my neighbour down the street puts out his blue recycling bin every single week, and then leaves it out for a day or two when it’s not emptied (does he not know it’s every two weeks? does he think ‘I’ll put it out on the off-chance they’ll empty it’? Bastard). I hate drivers who text. And I hate online football gaming the most of all.

  24. Erm, lightening things a touch…bloodborne and dark souls just seem too hard for me, I’ve no desire at my time of life to go through a ninja gaiden sigma experience again. So I used some for witcher, finally I’ve given in as it also looks like holding value for years. Still not touched the skyrim dlc mind. With witcher should I jump straight in or is a wiki read advisable? I can’t imagine how many hours I wasted collecting useless shit in dungeons early on in my questing and don’t want to repeat that.

  25. Uncle Turf – of course, Witcher 3, the alt-Skyrim as it’s also known – only played an hour or so, enough to be impressed by the world and deflated by the rapid accumulation of quest markers (one of the first quests generated a multiple quests-within-a-quest, and at that point I quit). Don’t skip the wonderful card game, Gwent. Shades of Final Fantasy 8’s Triple Triad. When I eventually get back to Witcher 3 – and it is when, I hope – I’m going to play it as a card game with a sumptuous fantasy world attached to it.

    Just following the early reactions to the PES2018 online beta, and there seems to be grounds for hope in the early impressions (filtering out all the ‘this is so much fun!’ stuff, which always suggests that the speaker isn’t yet shaving).

  26. I have the beta downloaded, so might try and take a look later tonight. I don’t play PES online, nor am I a fan of it, so I’m going in with an open mind as I just want to check out the gameplay. If someone beats me 10-0 so be it.

    Tom – re: PES 5 pc. Your anti virus may have deleted a file the game needs, or the data file has corrupted, so a fresh install may be required. You may also need to run the game in compatability mode as you’re probably on a newer verison of Windows. Setting it to Windows XP should do it.

  27. Okay, I have returned from the other side fairly unsullied.

    Downloaded the PES 2018 Beta and after a wait was matched up with a fellow online gamer. Immediately my heckles went up knowing someone else was vying to take me out cyber style but I was relieved to see there was no means to chat or sling insults at each other.

    Anyway, Brazil vs Brazil was the match and it actually wasn’t bad at all for an online match. My opponent did more fancy footwork and dribbling than I do and that I’m used to from the AI but otherwise it wasn’t the sprint-fest I was fearing.

    Here’s a minute of play leading up to my scrappy equaliser in a 1-1 draw (I’m the yellow Brazil)…

    Some quick observations from the feel of this match in relation to controlling my team:

    1. Player switching was a bit of a nightmare although this might be because of a setting I should have changed.
    2. Passing is virtually the same as PES 2017 as is R2 jiggly work and tackling.
    3. Slide tackles are still very effective although this isn’t certain until we get to play against AI opponents.
    4. Shooting is still nice and weighty. I managed to hit one or two long-rangers and they felt very PES 2017-y.
    5. Graphics are good but I didn’t see much evidence of a leap forward from last year’s game.
    6. Crossing feels a little less effective although Brazil are not really set up for direct play.
    7. I sense an attempt to make the ball feel a little more loose – this is mostly noticeable in midfield when players are contesting for the ball. You can see it also in the mess of a goal I scored above.

    Anyway, I might have another quick go later and then resume my footy game fasting.

  28. Tommy – Tom says he’s already reinstalled, so the Compatibility thing is probably the last thing left to try. I can’t think of any other reason why PES5 should suddenly not work. Mine is still running like smooth butter (sorry Tom).

    Shed – keep the impressions coming. Sometimes you can get an online game that isn’t bad. Remember those few weeks at the tail-end of PES2016 (or was it ’15?) when I played myClub and quite enjoyed it sometimes? Eventually though the type of player the forums refer to as ‘pressure whores’ drove me away. The worst gameplay of any game ever invented. A stain on the name Pro Evolution Soccer. A blight on the face of- Eh, hope you have a good ‘un. The beta runs for a week or so I think, so there’s time for me to jump in if I feel like it.

    I watched some of the live feeds and saw some encouraging things, but didn’t like the super-smooth way it all flowed. That’s exactly what online players want, of course, so it’s no surprise they’ve got it. Do players feel individual at all to their stats and physical natures? Or is it another case of ‘there are a few big lumbering defenders, and there’s everyone else’?

  29. My first victim.

  30. Shed – witcher 3 is glorious. Witcher 2 is also very much playable and quite short so you could have a go with it beforehand. But if you have to choose make it 3, get all the expansions and enjoy the ride. It is in a sense comparable to skyrim but also another game (and a far superior one imo) in its own right.

  31. I have the day off work today, so the plan is as follows

    – Clean the house
    – Play a bit of the PES Beta that I downloaded last night
    – Have some lunch
    – Clean the Rabbit hutch out
    – Put Skyrim on
    – Pick little one up from school

    The order may change though (apart from last item)

  32. Darryl – reading the forums this morning and looking at a few vids, I’m concerned about the passing. It seems there’s a new automated ‘skill pass’ where if the intended recipient is adjacent or a bit behind the passer, you’ll automatically do a flick-pass or a back-heel. I hope this isn’t true. Please report back! All testers, all testers…

    Sooner or later we’ll get a PES edition that goes just a bit too far in pursuit of the teen/twentysomething demographic.

  33. I’ve read on some forums that there is concern over there being too many long range rocket shots, apparently even by lower rated players and with either foot. Any news welcome…

  34. Chris99 – I’ve seen the same concerns, usually in the context of ‘it’s just like PES2017’. I never found that there were that many so-called rocket shots with lesser players in PES2017, so it’s not a major worry for me at the moment. It does all betoken, though, further and further dilutions of the PES special sauce in the name of providing online multiplayer satisfaction. Us single-players have half-closed our eyes and put up with lots of compromises towards multiplayer over the years. The breaking point will come. I often don’t like the way PES2018 looks in motion, that’s for sure.

  35. Darryl you missed Biscuits from the list. A must in Schloss Werd

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