Oh the humanity

emergency pes2011

Disaster this morning! Well—more of a mild inconvenience, really. Nothing anywhere near a Hindenburg scale. Just a minor bump in the road. Don’t even know why I even led off with ‘Disaster this morning!‘ as a first sentence. The Good Internet Writing Guide recommends this kind of thing, granted, but it also recommends mentioning Paris Hilton a lot in the opening paragraph (yes, my copy of The Good Internet Writing Guide is from 2008). And mentioning Paris Hilton is something I never do. Don’t even know who he is.

My disaster was that I couldn’t get PESJP2013 to run no matter what I did. I never touched the settings from my last session, so nothing was different there. The bugger just wouldn’t run. It would load to the main ML menu, and then crash, every time.

I gave it about 10 separate goes, twiddling this and that (I know all the tricks, don’t worry).

Admitted defeat, and played some PES2011 instead. That’s where the picture at the top is from—my left-back, Ruskin, tackling Liverpool’s Suarez.

Don’t worry, there’s no chance of yet another lane-change over to PES2011 on PC. It was strictly a stopgap measure in advance of the now-inevitable full reinstallation of PESJP2013 is a more user-friendly fashion that I won’t bore the non-technical reader with.

But I did play two matches on PES2011(PC).

First of all—wow, what a light ball! And what a lenient referee…

Second: that game, PES2011, is rock-hard compared to PES2013. Even on its hardest difficulty with mediocre players, PES2013 is just too easy. There’s no time on the ball in PES2011. That’s the chief way it shapes matches. In PES2013, you can stop, turn inside, check back, retreat, without much danger of the CPU player(s) just barging in and taking the ball. PES2011’s AI is brutal by comparison.

That’s the kind of difficulty I want to have in PESJP2013. I’ll be working on that as and when I finally get the game reinstalled.

There was one magic moment in the two matches on PES2011 that reminded me of just why I play football games, and why I still think football games are almost the perfect computer game.

A high floating ball came into the box. Deegan, my sturdy midfielder, had a chance at a header from the edge of the area, but I decided to nod the ball down sideways for an incoming side-back to volley into the net—and that’s exactly what happened.

The signature moment for any dedicated football gamer is when you’re grinning your head off at seeing and feeling something magical on-screen, after first seeing it in your head.

Updated: 24th May 2013 — 11:58


  1. NG – cool pic, it reminded me of an end of a footie film. The footage changes to polarised, stops, then the cast goes up.Ah the bumside of PC gaming, hope you twiddle the right thing and get it fixed. My games on PES6 last night were much easier than PES5, it might have had something to do with my super charged Dortmund 2007 team though.

  2. Werd Llitrah—PES6 was always easier than PES5—bit of a PES2013/PES2012 situation with those two games.

  3. Is that using Toon Camera? Nice effects!

    That Paris Hilton bit made me laugh too. Lovely stuff. And on a Friday to boot!

    Have my brother visiting this weekend. It’s a rule that one night is a pub night and the other is a PES and beers night. This means for one weekend only, I’ll have to drag myself away from PES2010 and back onto the latest installment. The good news though is that I can finally play with and against the classic teams I created (Juve/Real/Barca/Man Utd/West Ham etc….). No poor players (even in the West Ham one).

    Should be a good one.

  4. Liam—you should have a great time on PES2013. After this morning’s experience I’m now certain in my mind that the core game is too easy compared to other instalments—it’s not just the ML over-development. But as they say, multiplayer is totally different.

  5. Interesting that you supposedly have no idea who Paris hilton is, yet even though its a girls name, you KNEW it was a HE !!!!!! hmmm ???? 😉

    The last few times I’ve played PESJP the game has been stuttering and choppy like mad, I’ve had to exit out and close any system resources that may be eating CPU and disable anti virus and then reload PESJP and its fine.
    Thats the asshole of PC gaming – f****ing crappy windows updates always churning away in the background and anti virus eating system resources.

    If only you could bootcamp a bootcamped mac to have OSX installed inside of windows on a mac…. that let u run games!!!

  6. Paul—you could run a virtualized OSX from within your Bootcamped W7 easily enough. It’d be weird though.

    I always disconnect from the Internet before playing any PC game now. There’s just too much going on in the background when there’s an open connection. Best just to tell all the apps that check in every 10 minutes or so, NO!

  7. NG – hmm, I have still only played the one non-dev ML game so far (last night was Duke of Ulstering again) and I was very concerned by how easy it was as a half-cooked Newcastle v Man U. I stopped 2010 as I saw the way it was going and I desperately hope it’s not going to be simple scripting bollocks that offers the only test. I think 2012 spoiled me.

    You’re not, however, pushing me towards the PC – I clearly have way less understanding than you and if you’ve had issues then I’m not even touching it. My ‘simple’ download of SWOS left me with a nasty little Trojan so it’s out of the box point and click stuff for me. Surely, though, today’s image should have been a drawing – like they do for court procedings when cameras are banned. You could be our Tony Hart and we could submit our efforts at recreating a doorway slumped Werd mumbling through puff pastry flakes.

  8. NG – It was more of a sarcastic quip than any serious consideration.
    It just amuses me that my bootcamped installation of windows has NOTHING else on it AT ALL except for PESJP 2013.
    it ran sublimely with no interference for a while, then as soon as i put on an Anti-virus, and windows updates decides it needs to do its stuff, that superbly running game starts grinding to a halt.
    Horrible resource hungry poorly implemented OS architecture.
    And thats why I’d only ever use a PC for bespoke gaming, and never again as a day to day work tool.

  9. Uncle Turf—Jenkey & co. have done a brilliant job in making the installation a point and click affair, but yes, to then use and maintain the installation, some hands-on experience of fiddling around with files and folders and permissions etc. is unfortunately required.

    How’s your CKII life going? I’m feeling increasingly wistful about the game as I missed my last window of opportunity (a few days off last week that ended up being spent on other things) and don’t see another one anytime soon.

  10. Paul—yes, my W7 kept helpfully interrupting the game to tell me that various updates were ready to go. Eventually, I just started to disconnect before playing, and problem sorted. I agree that the only use I’ll ever find for Windows will be gaming. It’s nice to have the OS to tinker with so I know what’s what at work (where I was seriously out of practice and often didn’t where things were in Control Panel, etc.).

  11. Confirmation that the PS4 WILL be hitting europe this year

  12. Liam – thats sounds like a great weekend, can you adopt me 🙂
    Uncle -PEmmmmgghh….2008 ps2….MANUmmmALSNmmmIFF……..

  13. Paul—again, not even a flicker on the excitement-o-meter. I can sense you working yourself up into a perfect pitch of pre-Christmas excitement… but there is just tumbleweed in my heart where the carnival is happening in yours. Weird, isn’t it? I know you’re in your early 30s, as I was back when the PS3/360 release was happening, and I remember going crazy and salivating about it all at work at the time. No doubt in 2021 when the PS5/Xbox Zenith release rolls round, you’ll be as jaded as I am now 😉

  14. Ng – its fair to say I’m mildly excited about the PS4, it will definitely be a launch day purchase, im just as excited about the non-gaming capabilities of it as well as the games.
    The multimedia sharing and other elements of it which I know don’t interest you one Aota.

    Its all in context though. I’m 34 to be specific, and I’m much more worried about the Buildings regs certificates and civil engineering calcs I need to attain in order to knock walls down in a property I’m due to move in to in order to design an open plan kitchen, than I am worried about what the launch day titles on the PS4 will be.

  15. NG – CKII is getting serious now. My original starter is still going, he’s in his late 60s now and has managed to take over half a dozen counties in Ireland (it really is the ideal start for newbies). He (why am I talking about him as if it wasn’t me??) also has claims on 2 other counties but can’t invade them as I am part of the same crusade with the incumbent – bloody annoying as by the time we’ve finished assaulting Jerusalem I’ll surely be dead (I switched back to ‘I’ there – ooh, it’s confusing). Whilst my guy has lived long and healthily the dynasty is not so secure – 7 daughters, the eldest of whom died ‘mysteriously’ (it wasn’t me). So too did a brother of mine and a nephew. Fortunately I married them all matrinlineally (I am so well respected I could get some decent spouses) and changed the succession to allow female inheritance in the event of no male heirs but someone within the family is clearly ambitious and not shy at wielding the knife. I’m wealthy, popular, with a big army but if I can’t secure a few more counties my successor – likely to be my grandson at present – is going to have a battle to unite Ireland. Long reigns and accumulated respect are big factors in personal relationships. Fortunately no-one seems to have twigged that I like arranging ‘accidents’ for bishops.

  16. not-Greg – with regards to difficulty I was up at 2am this morning playing PES 2013 as I am full of flu and could not sleep. I started a new ML campaign a few weeks back on Superstar level (1 pass assist) and generally find football games a struggle since I turned 40 as my reactions are just not the same. The ML campaign I started was with a Leeds team which I have edited the names. I normally play on Proffessional level and played on Superstar due to the balance and speed of the play. Got of to a decent start but then found myself getting battered. Around the Chrsitmas period this started changing and I started grinding out a few draws. Come the 18th game mark (last night) things just changed and my once sluggish players had the energy of Miss Piggy on Crack. Despite me starting to win it all felt pointless and just highlights the problem with the game as I should be left with a sense of achievment having started to win on Superstar level. The reason I mention this was that it left me craving to play 2011 again.

  17. I don’t like the sound of all this fiddling with PC PES – especially as I get not satisfaction at all delving into the workings of a machine. Maybe console is the way to go for me but it may just be “old” consoles for the foreseeable future. I’ve not played PES for more than a week but I will at some point.

    Actually, I was just in town and popped into Game. I lingered over Skyrim on PS3. £19.99 preowned . Picked up then put it down again. That’s kind of where I am with games right now.

  18. John – wait until June 10th, legendary edition. It may be full whack price but if you have any games to swap I recommend it.

  19. Sorry June 7th

  20. Paul—I bet when the time comes I’ll be excited for the PS4 as well—my general readiness to slobber all over the latest shiny new thing has not gone away.

  21. Uncle Turf—that sounds suitably awesome. I keep hearing stories like that about CK2 and so many other Paradox games, and want to start making my own. But just hearing about the mind-jack effect on you at second hand has me more scared than ever.

  22. Darryl6464—it was very jarring to go from the gentleness of PES2013’s difficulty into PES2011’s severe difficulty. I’m gagging to get my hands on Jenkey’s other sliders and try to make PES2013 as tough, but I wonder if it will be possible. It seems more and more apparent to me that there’s a PES6-style ‘ease of struggle’ flaw running through PES2013 like the lettering through a stick of rock.

  23. John—when I get the game reinstalled in a different location on the PC, I’m expecting not to have any of this trouble, in which case it could still be a viable option for you or anyone who doesn’t want to be bothered with all this fiddling. I’ll keep you posted, needless to say.

    Re. the collapse of my own gaming interest and general mojo, it’s something I’m almost watching with detached horror and fascination, kind of like when my hair started falling out.

  24. N-G – Tell me about it my bald brother.

  25. John—I spent years in baldy denial. It takes years to go from ‘full head of hair’ to ‘oh dear’… Way after the point of no return I was still doing ridiculous comb-overs and comb-arounds, and holding my head at awkward angles against the wind. I even bought a bottle of Regaine at Boots. It got used once. The next day I bought a set of barber’s clippers at Argos—best £15 I’ve ever spent—shaved the lot off, and that was that. Bald I look like the Mekon, but I don’t care.

  26. NG/John – well please look away now….someone the other day said to me ‘you didn’t use to have hair’. Tis true, having been a head shaver for years I got fed up with another cold winter and let it grow. The result is a luxurious bouffant that at times in the morning can look like Silvio Dante’s. I won’t need that Dimoxinil for a good few years.

    (the negative aspect of this story is that for all of my schooldays I was a ginger – only later in life has it gone beautifully anonymous brown. It was a shit first 15 years).

  27. Uncle Turf—I too had quite a respectable thatch for years whenever I let it grow out, but recently it’s degraded into an Attilio Lombardo/Jean Luc Picard kind of scenario. That’s the stage when you’re really bald bald. I keep it as close to skin-shaved as possible all the time now. And I really do have an awkward, Mekon-style head that could frighten small children.

  28. Im greying and at present having a fake tea party with my two year old..

  29. Sorry chaps, but I’m 39 and have a full head of luxurious brown hair. 😛

  30. I am balding and what bit is left is pretty much grey now. Sat outside in the sun with 21 month old playing with his trucks. Nice to have a break from the x box. Had one of those moments this morning where I declared I would be happy getting shut of the x box and hanging up my gaming boots, only for me to be found half an hour later looking for PES 2014 updates.

  31. Lloyd and myself were just mentioning how successful we were, neither of us need bother thinking about ‘Max Power’;

    Unfortunately, my dear old duke of Ulster died last night aged 71, just as he was about to create the Kingdom of Ireland. Everyone hates my new guy and I’ve already had to execute my uncle.

  32. werd llitrah—Grecian 2000.

  33. Lloyd—count them chickens…

  34. Darryl6464—horrifying recent realisation for me is that if all games vanished from my life… I’d be OK. I’d miss them and think about them, but I’d be OK.

  35. Uncle Turf—the thought of CK2 still inspires excitement in me for games. And I remember that Simpsons episode very well. I haven’t seen the inside of an executive washroom for years now.

  36. NG – well if you do you need to know you have time to lose. I hopped on last night as my new guy, managed to gain the kinslayer trait – oops, found out – dragged my reputation out of the gutter, did a few things then realised I was going to have to get up in 5 hours time. It’s one of those clock accelerators, you swear you only looked 5 mins ago but somehow an hour has passed. I’ve not been back to my non-dev yet, after such an easy opener I’m not feeling that bothered any more and couldn’t be chewed with a default grind upwards.

  37. NG- how dare you madam!. Its not that bad yet. Im hoping for a Phillip Schofield but will probs end up with a Brucie Forsyth..
    Darryl – I spent yesterday with the family watchin my two year old play in Krazy Warehouse(or something)It only took about ten mins for me to pipe up”i’ll watch her”and then start climbing all over the aparatus and finally having a penalty shootout with the Mrs in the footy area. None shall pass, I still got it. I scored an excellent chip which reminded me of a PES 2012 goal I scored. This brought me back to earth and pining for a game 🙂

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