What do I know about Luxembourg? I know that its football team used to be the kind that England would routinely thump 9-0. (Those were the days.) I know that it is one of the practically-infinite number of places I would like to visit but never will. I know that it appeared in one of the most famous (to me) song lyrics ever, which forms the title of this post.

I also know that Luxembourg thumped me 6-0 in my first proper game of Sensible Soccer on the Xbox360. I was playing as England. I didn’t have a clue what to do or how to play. I couldn’t pick up loose balls. I couldn’t pass. I couldn’t shoot. One button to do everything? Eh?

Yes, I’ve finally got an Xbox360. There it is, sitting on the shelf in my bedroom. I bought it last week, along with a few games. (Among them was a rather forlorn-looking copy of LMA Manager 2007. At just £5 from GameStation’s pre-owned shelves, it would have been rude not to pick it up. I might cover LMA Manager on this blog if I end up playing it to any great extent.)

I never played games in the 1990s. The reasons for this are too complex to go into, but in a nutshell: the 1990s was a gap decade for me not just in terms of gaming, but in terms of life. I was unemployed and/or drunk and/or stoned for most of it. Gaming did not exist.

Consequently, Sensible Soccer is a franchise that I’d never played until just a few days ago here in 2008. I know. Shocking. For a football gaming enthusiast never to have played Sensible Soccer is a little like a literature fan never having read Shakespeare. Or if not Shakespeare, then at least Marlowe.

A few years ago I did play the demo of Sensible Soccer 2006 on the PS2. The screen juddered every few seconds and gave me a headache and I didn’t play it again. What a disaster that game was, I now know.

Sensible Soccer on the 360 is a different proposition. ‘Sensi’ aficionados assure me (indirectly) that it is a faithful reproduction, in glorious HD graphics, of the 1990s Amiga original. That’s good enough for me.

A football simulation this is definitely not. I’ve played about 20 games so far - all single-player. It’ll be a very long time before I dare to show my virtual face online. A review stated that new Sensi players faced “a very steep learning curve”. Understatement of the year.

I replayed England-Luxembourg several times, as all of the Sensi forum gurus advised. Play as a top team against a lesser team. Right. After a couple of thumpings, I started to kind of get what Sensi is all about. (One button? One button?!)

Here’s my first goal. I have no idea how it went in. Aftertouch, or something. This clip’s mobile phone video production standards are even lower than usual. I never thought I’d ever say that.