PES5 Alive

A month or so ago, I grasped too early for PES5 on PC. I was still not really able to play on PC with the same convenience and ease as on console. And I had a nagging feeling that my business with PES2017 wasn’t done. Also, my third mistake was to start Master League from scratch, with the grindiest Defaults ever, after a long and exhausting PES2017 campaign.

Today, PES2017 is firmly done. Oh yes. There is not one particle of me that wants to play that game again (in a mostly positive way).

And after a domestic rearrangement (i.e., clearing out a spare room and putting a desk in it) my computing circumstances are such that I can play PES5(PC) as straightforwardly as on a console. Pull out chair, power up computer, play.

And finally, I’ve jumped into a Master League that I’ve been playing, on and off, for years. About 6-7 seasons in.

I’ve been having a couple of matches per day. PES5 is the gold standard for PES — for football games — that will never be toppled. Never.

Disgusting pandering to online multiplayers? No.

Fouls galore? Yep.

Player individuality in bucketloads? Oh yes.

Glorious goals. Wonderful rhythm to defence and attack. Deep, profound, interesting. Oh yes — and PES5 is ‘fun’. I mustn’t forget fun, the thing that ‘whippersnappers nowadays’ wrongly think is what PES always used to be primarily about. (10-15 years ago, FIFA was ‘fun’. PES was so much more than mere ‘fun’.)

I wish I had time today to post an awesome hat-trick from the young Schwarz. One for next week.

Here is the squad of players that I will be playing this classic game with over the coming weeks:


Updated: 14th July 2017 — 11:24


  1. Do you have recording capabilities on the PC? Would be great to see some action from the old dog!

    Had to share this goal. Enjoyed this one a lot!

  2. Tommy – it’s that meaty smack feeling that PES2017 does very well. Great commentary too.

    I have full recording ability on the PC, yes. I record huge chunks where nothing seems to happen, but that was the genius of old-school PES, nothing really happening until those handful of moments per match. I’ll post vids next week.

  3. NG – I was busy yesterday so didn’t get chance to answer with regards to the breakout room. I don’t think it is a regional thing. Where we work had a major refurbishment a couple of years ago, with new office spaces created on three floors that are all open plan and looked identical. Before we moved into our new offices we were given a tour. The staff room or canteen area was referred to as the breakout room and seems to have stuck with everyone working there. No I hadn’t heard the term before either. If you put breakout room in Google, you are more likely to come accross one of those Escape Room sites. But given the soulless nature of the building I work in, this would seem more appropriate.

  4. I think the clincher would be the door marked ‘gents’ – is it the bog, the can, the John, the dunny…..? It reveals everything about which part of the empire you hail from Darryl.

  5. Uncle Turf – In Coventry at least the preferred term is the blandest, most neutral one – ‘off to the toilet’. I only hear blokes say ‘gents’ or other when they wish to appear laddish, chummy, waggish etc.

    Darryl – if I may mention your book, which others here have read and enjoyed, your innocent mentioning of the ‘breakout room’ every so often is one of the book’s pleasures, as it brings a Clockwork Orangeish pleasure in working out contextually what it means.

    The most region-specific term I can think of for Coventry is the word that we use to refer to a bread roll composed of two circular halves. It is known as a roll in most of the country. It’s called a cob in other parts of the Midlands. In this pocket of the Midlands, it’s a batch. As in “A cheese batch, please, shopkeeper…” Travellers from the city to other parts of the kingdom report back that the term is unknown elsewhere, and we have to default to the standard ‘roll’ (“A cheese roll, please, innkeeper”).

  6. You mean a ‘barmcake’ as heard in Manchester? Not a ‘stottie’ as that is a particular type of tasteless bread product. I’m surprised coventonians don’t use ‘bun’ when a travelling, as in ‘do you want bread or a bun with your soup stranger?’, ‘roll’ sounds odd to me. The one that always cracked me up when I lived in York was a ‘fadge’.

    Unusual NG as I would say the very same thing is used in my circles but it would be ‘off to the bog’ and everything else was affected. My then forty something mother of two boss always used ‘bogs’ and training course attendees used to write comments such as ‘bogs need cleaning’ (contracted company was shocking).

  7. Uncle Turf – that polite everyday usage of ‘bog’ is strange to me, as to a Coventrian (that’s the official nomenclature, by the way) ‘bog’ is a mildly profane term that scales up or down according to how well you know the person. E.g. I could say to my work manager ‘have you seen the state of the bogs?’ but only because I’ve known her for years and I might want to play up to the standard office persona of a slightly cheeky chappie. I could never say ‘bog’ to anyone, manager or otherwise, whom I didn’t know well enough. Likewise, the local paper would never say ‘City Centre Bogs In Crisis’.

    All those other terms for the semi-circular breaded roll are of course as real to their users as ‘batch’ is to me. I’ve heard of ‘barmcake’ but didn’t know it was just a batch/roll. A bun is always an iced confection in my locality. This is the first time I’ve heard of ‘fadge’. There are academic careers out there built on studying this kind of thing and how they break down/spread out across the linguistic isogloss map of the UK, which broadly still follows the pattern of the Danelaw in the first millennium. The Coventry accent is part of the same family as the Liverpool accent, for example, because of migration/conquest/trade patterns back then. I really need to get out more.

  8. Turf/NG – likewise here as you would only use the word bog with people that you are familiar with, even then I would be reluctant and is therefore only used in the home environment.

    Another interesting one is teacake as here it is a breakfast item that contains currants and is toasted. However if you were to move up north to Cumbria they use the term instead of a barmcake.

    NG – I am always delighted for the book to be mentioned. What I love is hearing little interpretation on things like the breakout room as none of it was intentional as part of the charm comes from a simple mistake as it really should be a ‘break out’ room but the decision was made to leave it how it was.

  9. Do high team spirit has the same overpowered effect in Pes 2016 as in 2017? Picked up 2016 cheap and plan to play a ML the next few months. Hated team spirit in the end of 2017 as it made the games almost impossible to lose. Switched team to the worst team in Segunda and it was a real challenge the first half of the season but as soon as TS hit 70-75 that is all gone.

  10. Darryl – I’m afraid the breakout bafflement would have been just the same with ‘break out’ – possibly even more baffling, as it seems to pose even more of a ‘break out of what?’ type of question in the mind.

    Are you saying that when you were shown around your new office digs, not one person piped up with the question, ‘Hang on, what the heck is a break out room? Why isn’t it just a break room? What does “break out” even mean, precisely, hmmm?’

    Not one person? Out of probably hundreds?

    Something doesn’t ring true here! Let’s say you or I were being shown around a building and the person showing us around pointed at the panes of glass in wooden frames on every wall, and said ‘And there you can see the lovely windblocks’.. I’m 100% sure I would ask the question. I’m 100% sure you would too – you’d at least ask it of each other, afterward: ‘Did you clock that geezer calling the windows windblocks? What was that about?!’

    Likewise, that nobody at the time of your tour or after queried the allegedly-new-to-you term ‘break out room’, suggests either that the term is a common one in your part of America, hence nobody being taken aback by it, or you were shown around by some Svengali-type who charmed you all into accepting everything he said as-is.

    What you need to do now is Quantum Leap into your former self during the tour of the building, and put right what once went wrong.

    Teacakes here are the famous Scottish marshmallow. Good to hear ‘bog’ is deemed mildly profane in at least one other part of the land.

    Willie – PES2016’s TS effect is worse than PES2017’s. PES2016 all-round is a worse game. You know the fast-and-furious 100mph matches in PES2017 that pass in a blur with zero fouls? The kinds of matches that used to horrify us when we’d see them/play them on FIFA back in the early 2000s? They’re common enough in PES2017, but they’re the norm in PES2016 after a while.

  11. Having spent the first eighteen years of my life in South Wales I would associate teacakes as being non-festive hot cross buns, but definitely not a breakfast item. I know of your use of the word nG, but only in the phrase that begins with the manufacturer’s name, not as a single word.

    Another foodstuff with a wide variety of names that may not even be a thing for younger readers is the drop scone or pikelet.

  12. Ok NG! Thanks for the reply. Played two exhibition matches on superstar last night. Felt pretty similar to 2017. Lost the first 0-4 and won the second 2-1. It’s harder to defend in 2016. Less ai assistance in following runs. Also easier to attack as there was more space in midfield and the ai defenders couldn’t tackle from all angles and win the ball like in 2017.

  13. A teacake may be toasted, in the case of a bread product as per chris99’s hot cross bun-a-like or a biscuit as in ‘ma, can I have another tunnocks teacake, I just love the chocolate?’ It’s never a bun, barmcake or other savoury breadstuff.

    And I fear you have overestimated the bog matter. I simply said in my circles it would be commonplace, definitely not mildly profane. However, it would not be newspaper speak, that would likely be ‘loo’ if they were looking for a less formal term. Amongst friends or familiar work colleagues though it would very much be ‘im off to the bogs’ or ‘he’s just gone to the bogs’ and between closer male friends I wouldn’t blink at hearing ‘I’m off for a slash’. Neither would be said to a maiden aunt. ‘Stinky bogs’ was a genuine training course feedback comment though – I believe it was an NT admin or TCP/IP type effort. Not yer more reserved programmer types.

    Far cry primal continues to engage yet frustrate. Far cry 2 was very good at setting goals and establishing safe havens – once you’d cleared an area it was ticked off. Primal goes back to 4 where enemies randomly appear in the middle of a place you’d long established as conquered and free of trouble. It’s like fighting the Battle of Britain and wandering into the mess the next day to find it swarming with Luftwaffe pilots.

  14. A bit like “going for a waz”, although I never understood the derivation. Perhaps linked to water closet? Bog isn’t at all rude, but in front of one’s mother toilet would be more appropriate.

  15. NG – not one person questioned it at all in all honesty and now everyone refers to it as the breakout room. It is a sign of the times as people just blindly accept these things now. I include myself in this. As for the numbers there is office space for 250 people on three floors, so that is quite a few people.

  16. Nice to see the computer game a la Arkanoid so early in the discussion. I think the Google easter egg is still around if you image search “atari breakout”.

  17. Darryl – I’ve got a great example of how one individual ends up just going along with the many. As a fresh-faced teenager I arrived at my very first job, in an office that’d just been newly computerised (this was the 1980s). All the staff were at least 5 years older than me, some were 20-30 years older, a few were in their 60s (and surely dead by now).

    Anyway, one of the major features of the new computer system was the regular entry of ‘data types’ into the computer system. These were three-digit numbers that defined a particular workflow. ‘Data types’ was the collective name for them. ‘Data type’ was each individual one was spoken about. (‘Have you entered the data type for the letter?’ etc.) The phrases were intrinsic parts of conversation every day.

    Say the phrase ‘data type’ a couple of times out loud. I bet you say ‘day-ta’, as I did and still do. Well – everybody at the office pronounced it ‘darter’. I arrived at this office and said ‘day-ta’ a few times, but after just a week’s work I was saying ‘darter’ like the rest of them, and did so for all 3 years I worked there.

    Yes, I know that when the word ‘broke out’ (sorry) into common usage in the English-speaking world, ‘darter’ was the preferred BBC-style pronunciation, but even by the late 1980s it had long since given way to ‘day-ta’ as the accepted pronunciation.

    I vaguely recall somebody at the office saying the training officer who had trained the entire office in groups over several months had pronounced it ‘darter’ and told them all that was how they should always say it. So they emerged into the wild, as it were, 100% convinced of ‘darter’ being the right way and determined to make all newcomers (me and all who came after me) say it that way too.

    Lord of the Flies is happening on some scale, everywhere, all the time.

  18. Willie – PES2016 in Exhibition mode and for the start of ML (half a season or more, depending on your skill level) is a very decent game. Play until TS hits 75-80 and see what happens…

  19. Chris99 – I’d have guessed at the derivation of ‘going for a wazz’ being onomatopoeic, but the internet suggests it’s a simple alteration of ‘going for a whizz’, which sounds more persuasive to me.

  20. By the way, these are a couple of my favourite bookmarked blogs, that I read nearly every day:

    The quality of the articles in that one is more variable – they’re over-focused on Mandarin and on the Far East in general. They’re obsessed with Singlish in a way I’m not. (Interested, but not obsessed.)

    This one is slightly more consistent:

  21. He’s done it again!

  22. We had a guy come in to train us on his company’s product a few years back and he kept referring to its use of a kaysh. After about 15 minutes we collectively couldn’t stand it anymore and had to tell him cache was pronounced kash.

  23. Use of ‘data’ as if it were singular can be a common slip. Then again so is panini and you’d go mad correcting that.

    I was trained in the use of liquid nitrogen by a very amusing chap who had to refer to the opening mechanism, a valve going by the name of ‘tricock’. As a causal aside he said ‘that’s not a suggestion or instruction’ and I promptly collapsed laughing while the rest of the room remained silent. I think it sealed my fate.

  24. The cleaners in our building often leave out yellow warning signs saying Wet Floor. I know from experience I’m the only one who finds it funny when one is left in the gents.

  25. There’s a notice on the carpark ticket machine at my workplace that says THIS MACHINE DOES NOT EXCEPT FIVE POUND NOTES. I used to get very exercised about such things, but in recent years I’m persuaded towards the descriptivist standpoint, where these are usage features to be studied (and enjoyed!) neutrally.

    Playing PES5 at this very moment. Broke off to post this comment. (The joys of PC gaming.) The mistake I made a month ago was starting with the Defaults. Playing with my established squad is glorious. Mike, if you’re reading this, get back in there, somehow. You haven’t got an established savegame to fall back on, so maybe play a League or something.

  26. Tommy – that’s a proper PES long-ranger there, with a couple of touches first. Now you’ve got two after so long without one.

  27. In my son’s school there is a display of children’s work based on a poem about stormy weather. A teacher has attached descriptive labels….”the lightening struck…”. I’ve had to restrain the urge to ask if it was too heavy, hence the…

    I’m about ready to trade primal. I’ll miss it initially once I do but they’re all the same the just causes, far crys, etc etc – there’s just a sack of achievements that never make me want to chase 100% as they are so similar. They all come up short against the might of skyrim. My personal pes5.

  28. I always laugh seeing an invoice at work noting “flanged nipple nuts”

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