You’re gonna win Fouque all

I didn’t score any goals in my last few Season 1 matches. I had 4 pre-season friendlies lined up, and didn’t score any goals in any of those matches either.

Things are bad. It’s been many years since I did the Defaults slog in a classic PES. I had no clear memory of what I was letting myself in for.

Yes, I’ve had a PES5 save on the boil for years that I’ve picked up occasionally. But that was a mature save, in Season 6 or 7. Lots of great players. I’d long since got past the stage I’m at now. It almost feels like I’ve never played before.

The Defaults are terrible. But part of the problem is trying to shed the muscle memory of several years of very indulgent editions of the game that cater for online expectations. PES2016 and PES2017 in particular.

There’s a common move in recent PES games where you can receive the ball, trap it at once, and straightforwardly turn 180 degrees with it, spinning like a ninja-ballerina, and dart off at speed in the other direction.

Nearly every player you own will be capable of this move, including the CBs.

In PES5, I am happy to say, there are no ninja-ballerinas.

I signed Park Chu Young in the transfer window. He cost me 5000-odd Points and took me perilously close to a Game Over. That would have been embarrassing to report here. (So I made sure it wouldn’t happen by parking a separate save, just in case. I haven’t got time to restart.)

In an effort to sell a player to make up the Points, I transfer listed most of my expendable players. That means nearly all of them. The only players I’d keep out of my current roster are Mathieu, of course, and just Libermann and Ruskin from the Defaults.

Castolo would go. Ordaz would go. And the likes of Fouque too – what the Fouque is the actual point of this bozo? Dodo, Stein, Espimas, the lot of them. All out. No sentimentality. They’re total rubbish.

A few game weeks passed without an offer and I was sweating on that Game Over when I saw the friendly glowing green triangle that has saved by hide so many times in PES5 transfer windows.

Espimas had a bidder. Arsenal took him for 5000 Points.

And that was that. I made it through Payment Day with a thousand Points to spare – enough to get another player or two in the middle of Season 2, which is only 7 matches away, remember.

I played the first league match of the season, versus newly-relegated Sunderland. I won it 1-0.

The summer is about to get moving, and will be over sooner than we think. I’d like promotion this season.

Finally today, another in my infrequent What Happened Next? series.

This is from a pre-season match versus Chelsea from the Premiership (as it was still called then).

Scenario: I’m 0-1 down and in need of a goal to earn those precious Points to help stave off the Game Over that I was fretting about above.

Not a sniff of goal the whole game – until late on, when a through-ball finds Castolo on the outer corner of the Chelsea box…

What happened next?

(This video is about 1 second long. I was going to post it as a GIF, but even short ones traditionally slow some browsers to a crawl. YouTube is best as it gives you the choice of whether to view it or not.)

Answers in comments, please. I’ll post the full video with the answer right here over the weekend.

And now the answer — this is what happened next. Got to love the myth of Castolo, eh?

Updated: 5th May 2017 — 16:58


  1. so – stopped my modding business and settled on the gameplay patch I mentioned before. as it turns out there are several ways to mod gameplay on PC. one is by replacing a simple file containing variables such as shooting speed, collision “severeness”, ball acceleration, etcetera. the other involves making changes to the .exe file and is way more complicated. of course, the latter is the ONLY way to increase or decrease fouls but even then it is quite difficult from what I gather as calling of fouls is tied in to animations / collision detection and so on. there is also a random factor which comes into play during the “foul-laden” matches but this is more tied in to CPU aggressiveness / behaviour. in years past modding the .exe was apparantly a frequent thing but nowadays it isn’t anymore, due to modders being disheartened by the various click-to-pay shit sites that I had to sift through to get the various mods I wanted.

    So, lesson learned – gameplay can be changed, slightly that is. But the core gameplay itself is another thing altogether. Kind of expected that going in but still, good to know for anyone else wanting to go down the modding rabbithole.

    What I’m left with – a game with vastly more content spruced up with a lot of extras and slightly changed gameplay. Also a bit shittier graphics of course. The one minute I’m all excited about it, the next – not so much. Probably because I already played it to death – relatively compared to recent years – and seen all there is to see. Not sure what’s next, but carrying on for now.

    Finally – the legends are fun to use but don’t particularly stand out. (Could be due to low team spirit at the moment) Crazy that KONAMI actually charges people money for this normally through ShiteClub. Absolute bonkers.

  2. Uncle Turf – I’m a Brighton fan yet even I don’t feel sorry for them in ONLY having won promotion to the Premier League? Snatching a sense of disappointment in hour moment of glory is part of what I love about following the Seagulls.

    No PES over the weekend although I did have time for some gaming last night. For some reason I ended up playing FIFA 16 as it was there ready installed on the PS4. I’m four seasons into a CM as Colchester having taken them up from Div 2 to the Championship.

    The gameplay still feels a bit odd compared to the comparatively more weighty PES 2017, but it’s rather refreshing to have to fight for goals again and battle to sign anyone decent in the transfer market.

    Lost my first two games including a rather embarrassing defeat away at Crewe in the League Cup but bounced back with hard fought 2-0 wins vs Blackburn and Reading and a 1-1 draw at Leeds.

  3. Mike – part of the intense joy of old-school ML was never quite being sure of your accuracy re. the Points calculations whilst wheeler-dealering in the Transfer market. That period where you’re always flirting with disaster, bidding for two players with time running out, wanting one of them, and knowing you’re unlikely to get both but IF you do get both, it could be Game Over…

    #1 – the market for sold patches and enhancements is for people who either don’t know how to mod, or can’t be bothered with all the Googling and captcha-entering on dodgy websites. For some people, maybe most people, it’ll always be worth paying a fiver or whatever to avoid that. The likes of Netflix make their money on the same principle. A few years ago I stopped pirating, mostly, and just bought my games – and a proper copy of MS Office! Educational licence, so it was dirt-cheap, but still, I bought MS Office! Never thought the day would come…

  4. Darryl – Minecraft will reward you if you give it sustained attention. It’s the most ‘make your own world’-type game ever made. Many imitators before and since (yes, before: great games create their own precursors), but no equal yet.

    Uncle Turf – last-day drama is what ML brings about more often than not, but it’s not that often in real life the vital issues do go to the last day. It’s looking like the Premier League might have the most anti-climactic last-day climax ever, with maybe just one top-four place to decide.

    Shed – a colleague of mine told me years ago that Benitez is an out-and-out trophy-winner. He gets trophies by the Law of Attraction, almost.

    In other news, I am having shockingly bad sessions on PES5. For all our sentimental regard for the early-seasons slogfest with the Classic Defaults, mercy me, it’s tedious.

  5. NG – ashamed almost to say I’ve got the office thing – at a reduced price as well – officially as well, same goes for windows.. Unthinkable in years’ past.
    As far as pes 5 goes – I’m willing to bet your current slog will make the good sessions all the better later on. Your current playthrough reminds me of my first few days with pes 5… I could not appreciate the gameplay at all. The question in my mind now is whether or not you’ll keep playing pes 5 well into the new footy gaming year. If the game does eventually fall apart on you I would be very surprised…

  6. #1 – there isn’t a set PES5 plan, but I’d like to neatly finish off in time for PES2018 (I’ll miss the convenience of console gaming more than nuPES itself, I think). If PES5 really takes off, though, who knows.

  7. On the office thing…I’d really like to junk my printer (big, inefficient costly effort) that I use maybe once every two months. But I’m struggling to work out how I can go completely electronic. I use downloads to the phone for any tickets, etc I buy online, I’ve got a scanner app, I have an electronic signature for adding to any documents I’m sent to sign, but the problem is when I want to make notes on things I run off for Uni meetings. So far I’ve printed them and used a pen. I can’t power up a laptop and the notes on the ipad seems really clunky. Anyone know of a decent thing I can use for editing word docs that doesn’t cost as much as the office suite? (apart from Mike of course who would suggest a quill and vellum).

    btw pes 2009 been sidetracked by CK2. The depth remains eye-bleeding.

  8. Turf – I had no idea Calvin Klein did games.

    Another very enjoyable session on Fifa 16 last night. I really struggle for goals but that’s due to the old battle with PES muscle memory. I still try to ping the ball around PES-style whereas a more concise and careful approach is needed.

    I feel a bit bad leaving a ML season half finished but I just hit a wall with PES 2017. I should have stopped after my title winning season really. No doubt I will return to round things up one day.

    So Fifa 16 (with no lingering temptation to upgrade to 17) it is for now. Colchester are currently 10th after smash-and-grab 1-0 win at Sheffield Wednesday. When I do manage them, the goal variety in this game really is astonishing. I might put up a compilation or two at some point – something I gave up doing after a couple of seasons of PES 2017.

  9. Uncle Turf – take your pick really of free Office replacements – Libre Office is the current go-to program. There are others, but Libre is lightest and does everything needed. Don’t overlook Word Online, which is free (Microsoft account needed). You can import Word docs, work on them in the browser window, and export a file etc. I got a full, legit MS Office package for £20 a few years ago with an educational licence which I’m sure you must have an option for too.

    I love having a printer that I only use once every few weeks or months. I went printer-less for years because I was a printer noob who only bought ink cartridge models and the cartridges kept drying up between my rare uses. Then I discovered laser jet printers with toner cartridges. The laser jet printer I bought is still working through the toner cartridge it came with, over a year ago now.

  10. Shed – it’s PES muscle memory that’s one of the main FIFA-undermining factors for me. You have to consciously work against your footy gaming instincts and grow new ones. It’s no coincidence that the only sustained attention a FIFA has got from me in recent years was FIFA15. That was the year PES came out a few months later, in the November.

  11. Turf – I second nG’s shout for Libre Office. It’s probably the most complete of the open source Office suites.

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