Yes, I did. And the fact that it’s worth making the title of a blog post tells us something. Getting a goddamn penalty should be a routine, unremarkable element of a football game. But not in PES2017. It’s always an earth-shaking surprise – and that’s wrong.
I wonder if there are Call of Duty blogs that make a fuss about getting a headshot? Or driving games that feel the need to note every instance of a crash? I doubt that there are, because those things are intrinsic, regular features of those game genres that require no special mention.
But in the year 2017, our beloved Pro Evolution Soccer doesn’t do fouls, on the whole, and it also doesn’t do penalties, as a rule.
It was my 3rd goddamn penalty of this Master League campaign. I’m almost 8 full seasons in. 3 goddamn penalties is actually quite a lot. I’m privileged.
It came in the first leg of my Round of 32 Europa League match against Eintracht Frankfurt.
It was a barnstormer of a game that makes you wonder why they can’t be the norm. There were lots of fouls (well, 5 or 6, which is lots by PES2017 standards). There were yellow and red cards – and there was a goddamn penalty.
I savoured the moment. It’s my 3rd goddamn penalty of this ML. Let’s say I’ve played an average of 40 matches per season, for convenience sake. I’ve played about 7.75 seasons now. So that’s about 310 matches. I’ve had 3 goddamn penalties in 310 matches. That’s 1 every 103-or-so matches. Or 1 every 2.5 seasons. And I’ve got 3 more goddamn penalties than many have.
I believe I know why there are no goddamn penalties in PES2017. As I’ve mentioned once or twice, the game is now made entirely for online multiplayer, and coded accordingly. Think to yourself for a moment of how online multiplayers like to play. Now imagine that there were proper goddamn penalties in PES2017. And just imagine how many goddamn penalties there would be in a typical online match.
That’s right — every match would feature multiple goddamn penalties. They’d be nearly as frequent as throw-ins. Some matches would have 5 or 10 goddamn penalties. You’d get forum and Twitter chatter of ‘hurrdurr Pro Evo SO realistic with 20 [goddamn] penalties per match’ etc.
That’s the kind of thing they discover in early testing. Their solution? We’re living with their solution. No goddamn penalties. Hard-code the game to make it very unlikely, bordering on impossible, to concede a goddamn penalty.
And that’s the same solution we have to put up with in single-player.
I’ve run out of words to express how contemptible it is..
League update: I’m still in the top 4, still chasing the leaders. I’m a couple of wins away from the top. It’s February in my Season 8, as well as in this so-called real life.