PES Chronicles

What would any blog be without a Top 10 Tips For Eternal Greatness type of post? All the blog tipsters recommend it – usually in a Top 10 list of blog tips, the scamps.

When I was a very small boy indeed, one of my favourite TV shows was a gameshow called Play Your Cards Right. At the start of every show the host, Bruce Forsyth, welcomed the studio audience by saying, and I quote: “What a wonderful audience! [pause...] You’re so much better than last week’s…”

It always provoked a near-hysterical bout of laughter from the studio audience. I was laughing too, although I didn’t really know why it was funny. When I found out why the audience was laughing, I could never watch television in the same way again…

(This is heading somewhere PES2009-related, don’t worry.)

The audience laughed because it was (most of the time) the exact same audience from’ last week’. There was no last week. Up to 6 episodes of the show were filmed every day over a week or two.

It’s much the same in the world of video games franchises that are updated on an annual basis. I am not about to claim that every version of PES from PES1 through to PES2014 have all been secretly pre-programmed at an abandoned aircraft hangar in the Nevada desert or anything like that (insert PES2008 gag here). But I do believe that the development cycle for each PES starts and finishes a lot earlier than is generally supposed.

It’s probable that the features to be included in PES2009 are either already finalised, or very close to being finalised. This would seem to have been confirmed by Seabass himself. Responding to unprecedented criticisms of PES2008, he stated that PES2010 would see a return to the PES drawing board. It’s already too late for PES2009. Probably.

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Here, in no particular order of importance, are 10 things I’d like to see in PES2009. They’re very individual to me, and many of them are only ‘niggles’ – not major problems at all, and therefore things that can easily be fixed without breaking the whole game. Right?

The list is accompanied by several bandwidth-hungry JPEGs to make things look pretty and make you forget that you’re reading on the internet and stuff.

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1. Master League#1: End the silly feature where you cannot have a player on the Transfer List and use him in a Trade negotiation at the same time. It’s so annoying.

2. Master League#2: At least three Divisions are needed for Master League. A twelve-club Division 3, and twenty clubs in Divisions 1 and 2. Hell, go the whole hog and make it a four-division structure. It wouldn’t be hard. ML players would love it. ML haters are going to hate ML again anyway, so what is there to lose?

3. Editing: An editor on a par with the PS2 versions’ editors. If this isn’t already planned for PES2009, then Konami are even closer to committing professional suicide than they already did with PES2008. And I say this as somebody who doesn’t really care about editing. If I can change kit colours and proper names, I’m happy enough. But others do care – boy, do they care.

4. Graphics: A level of graphical sheen and prowess appropriate for the next-gen consoles. That’s all. If EA can do it, Konami can do it. (Incidentally, how long are the next-gen consoles going to go on being called next-gen consoles? It’s the kind of thing that annoys me, and it annoys me.)

5. Penalty kicks: For the love of all that’s holy, please bring in a power bar for the kicker at the very least. Online wags have rightly compared PES penalties to a web Flash game circa 2003. Come on. They’re an embarrassment.

6. Fix the side-backs. In real life they don’t wander into the CB positions at the most critical moments for no apparent reason. If this is an example of Konami’s infamous scripting, well, they should come up with another script that doesn’t rub our noses in it quite so much. Speaking of which…

7. Scripting: We know it exists. They know that we know it exists. We know that they know that we know – etc. What’s needed for PES2009 is a bit of honesty and openness from its makers about just what is going on under the hood.

It’s not asking for much. Plenty of other computer games inform their players of what to expect on higher difficulty levels.

The Civilization series is a notable example. Going into a game on Deity level, say, you know exactly what bonuses the AI players are receiving. They can build faster than you. They can make war better than you. They can make money quicker than you. You know exactly how and why you’re about to get your arse kicked unless you do something about it. It’s not shrouded in mystery and plausible deniability.

I’d settle for a nice section in the sparkling new PES2009 manual that details the exact effects on the human and computer teams of the varying skill levels. For example: “If you choose to play on Top Player, the CPU team receives a +10 bonus to all of its stats across the board.” That kind of thing.

8. Online play: There’s no squirming out of this one for Konami. I don’t play online (not much, anyway), but billions do. When they do do it, they want to experience the ‘online is the same as offline’ standard of play that was so (in)famously promised for PES2008. Along with a proper Editor, this is another must-have. Everything is moving online. I’m resolutely a solo gamer but even I can see which way the wind is blowing. In 10 years’ time, games like Warhawk (no single-player mode; 100% online) will be the norm.

9. Foot planting. The good people over at WENB do keep going on about something they call ‘foot planting’. I have only the vaguest idea what they mean, but this does not stop me from enthusiastically endorsing it.

10. Camera panning. To be clear: camera panning in PES is where the camera is anchored near the halfway line at a point of your choosing. As the action moves from end to end, the camera pans to follow the action – instead of tracking up and down the sideline, as it does in PES2008. I’ve got to add this to the list of must-haves. Of all the things that I miss in PES2008, the absence of camera panning is one of the most dismaying.

AND FINALLY:

“Mr Seabass, don’t make me angry”

Don’t you dare release PES2009 until it is fully finished. Don’t even think about it. That would be most unpleasant.