That’s a cracker. And that one is too.

Take a look at the two goals below.

Who scored them? Was it Castolo? Ordaz? Guiterrez? Diego bleedin’ Maradona at his peak?

Nope. It was Ruskin who scored them – and in the same match to boot. Ruskin. He got both of them with his right foot as well. Yes, that’s the default left-back, RUSKIN. The player who can barely muster an arthritic shuffle to intercept yet another CPU winger bombing down on my goal.

First is a long-range shot from distance after a good set-up pass from Macco. I’d have been proud and happy to score that one with Ronaldinho or Gerrard a few seasons hence. But with Ruskin? In my first season? The world has turned on its head.

Not happy with scoring what would probably have been my Goal of the Season, Ruskin thought he’d go one better.

Later on in the same game, I’m 1-2 down and looking for an equaliser. I’m using my ultra-attacking 1-2-3-3 formation (mapped to a strategy button) to get some pressure going. Ximelez, shoved over to the right, does some good work down the wing (for once in his miserable life), checks back onto his left foot, and floats the ball over to the other side…

And there is Super Ruskin once again, lurking just outside the box to dispatch a first-time volley high into the top corner of the net. One of the most picturesque picture-book goals I have ever scored on any ISS/PES game. My gast was indeed truly flabbered.

I actually lost this game 2-3. I’m now looking goggle-eyed at the foot of Division 2, and seeing Coventry City headed that way. This first season will not end well for me. Derby County just phoned me up from the real world to laugh at me. But what the heck. I’ve scored two unforgettable crackers.

Ruskin?

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